staircoat



NOTES TOWARDS

Even thinking of how I'm seen is strange. I feel I take on some kind of accepted image, arms, legs. I'm told the definition of these so often, it's easy to accept they're mine. When asked I use the conventional language, for what other do I have? However there is a different reality going on inside. I'd like to explain that reality.

A body always being present to me as living, moving, coping, defining as pain and altered movements. I consider the different experience of 'body,' which various cultures have.

I see my reflection in the window and am intrigued. Watching myself with a tenderness, I remember other times when I've seen myself, my body in different ways. More bent one way or another, more straight, more light, more fat, more thin but intrigued. Only self-conscious times, when I'm aware, in a lit room, I might be seen from outside.

Thinking of self-consciousness with other people. Being physical when with them is appalling. I lack confidence in them, in myself with them, in my experience and don't know what I am to think of myself, have no language for mine, no comprehension of their's. This isn't the way I feel about myself when only myself is present. I don't judge myself or find myself wanting. I accept, acknowledge, have different feelings, care and admire myself. I feel the pain's too much sometimes, various feelings and thoughts but not judged and lacking, which is what I feel from other people. I don't care if I see myself 'hobbling,' that's perfectly okay. I sometimes don't want to share this through with others, whose meaning I only catch fragments of. Their lack seems too great a barrier. They cannot know, apprehend anything of what they see.

As children and adults we are silenced. We don't talk about how we experience our bodies. We don't her people talking about that, except sometimes, people who have been non-disabled all their lives. Whereas other peoples, with a culture in common, are used to living and talking their culture; discussing complexities and fullness; talking about the situation of being a discriminated and dispossessed culture but it's not like that when you're disabled, not often even if you're with a group of disabled people.


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