I don't know how I would paint myself, write about myself. Thinking about the pain and how that informed my understanding of myself and in some senses there were things about my body which I had far more awareness of than other non-disabled women had. If I was to do a painting I'd see a certain area, have feelings towards it, perhaps a certain tenderness for example. Today I watched, felt the movement of my hips, the swing different from side to side and tenderness towards the curve and the globe comfort o my belly which holds me. Feelings changing, thoughts, connections.
Non-disabled people seem to have a very limited experience of their bodies. Sometimes, having thought over many of their pronouncements and conversations they seem to have a blank not a body. Their views about, too fat thighs etc., besides being a fragmentary body view, are picked up anxieties, rather than actual experiences of their bodies.
I'd like to paint my belly, my knee which I'm really interested in because of its history and I don't see why I should stop at any boundaries but flow off into other things that interest me. Boundaries are difficult, whatever kind of loose drawings people do they end up with the boundaries, edges they SEE, not what they feel and without seeing. Pain opens up a kind of other dimension. The idea of being limited by the edge of flesh, I don't even know if that is the 'edge' or we've been educated that it is, whether there are other ways and other cultures who acknowledge themselves as 'being' in other ways, ways of flowing out into the world or ideas. In a way everything exists in mind, my mind, why should things ideas feelings be separated in the way they are? We might categorise things for convenience but this rigidity becomes an inconvenience. The passing of time is feelings, thoughts, dreams as well as visual movement.